In my last post, I contemplated what this job offer might mean, and especially, what it will mean to essentially stay where I am geographically, at least for a while.
Honestly, the anxiety about "what it all means" has not subsided. At all. I haven't even started my new job yet, and won't for several months, and already I'm thinking about how it's a job I'm probably going to want to leave. Not because it's a bad job (although I don't know that yet either), but because I ultimately do want to move on geographically, hopefully, to a city closer to friends and family. But what does that ultimate goal do to my staying here in the meantime? Does it mean that I view the meantime as temporary as well, and therefore, not worth investing in--i.e. financially, socially, etc? And then, what if I don't manage to get that "next" academic job? Does that mean that I'm effectively "stuck" where I am, or that I consider throwing off academia again? And will that period in academia negate my non-academic work experience, and therefore my chances of getting a non-academic job, if that is what I end up seeking out? I would like the answer to be "no." Still, this too presents a question of "investment." Like my fellow graduate students, I have spent a significant number of years in earning my degree, and moving towards gaining an academic career, as well as untold hours of work, stress, and anxiety in gaining a direct entrance to that career--i.e. my new job. As far as most people in academia are concerned, my investment has paid off. And yet, I am just as anxious, if not more anxious, than I was before. I am concerned about the real, long-term consequences of my investment, and whether I will stay invested.
By the same token, will my investment even pay off in the short-term? Will I like my job (enough)? Will I make friends of my colleagues, and perhaps (hopefully), of faculty outside my home department? Will I find an apartment that makes me feel good about where I live, and therefore, incites me to invite people over and, ideally, make more friends? Will I publish, and will I publish enough to either get tenure, or else, a better job in the future? Should I be worried about the fact that I haven't really done much scholarship (either in the form of submitting a paper for publication or conference) in the past few months (due to being on the job market, doing my job that currently pays, and adjuncting a class)? Should I take seriously the urgings of friends, family, and mentors to go out and celebrate my new job even as I feel the need to hunker down and scholasticize?
My conclusion?
I think it's that the mind-fuck never really ends, unless you lose the desire or capacity to contemplate your options, needs, wants, preferences, aspirations, or possibilities. Or perhaps it's simply that I think way too damn much, as friends continue to remind me. Don't think it; do it, damn it.
On the plus side, my friend Kate and I are going out to a nice dinner this evening. With martinis.
Yay martinis!
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