Dear Readers,
This week has been taken up by a whole lot of nothing...Well not nothing, but rather, by my filling up my time and space with a lot of pretty pointless somethings. Well not entirely pointless. But certainly, things meant to fill the devastatingly, god-awful, black-hole of wondering, speculation, and overall uncertainty that results from waiting to see how the job market pans out...
My applications are essentially complete. I've gotten most of the initial acknowledgement letters: "Thank you very much for your interest in X university's position in X. Please make sure we have all of the required materials, such as X, Y, and Z. Should we pursue your candidacy further, we may request additional materials." Etc, etc.
I've now gotten two such requests--fewer than I had hoped for by this point in time, but truthfully, this doesn't necessarily indicate anything. Which in itself is maddening. Because you just can't predict anything at any point in the academic job search. University search committees each have their own schedule/timeline, and let's face it, Thanksgiving is a week earlier this year, and who knows how much that may have screwed things up for the average academic? Folks are still teaching classes and likely trying to cram in the last parts of syllabi, tips for final papers and exams, as well as trying to keep up/catch up with grading they've neglected so that they can keep up to speed with final grading. And I understand. I empathize. I totally get it. And indeed, let's think some more about the fact that Thanksgiving is a week early--among some search committees, I imagine this creates a greater sense of urgency to narrow down the candidate field--to make some of those intial decisions so they feel they can enjoy their holiday in peace, without having to attend some emergency committee meeting (though I seriously doubt this ever happens), and know where they're at after the holiday is over. For other committees, this may mean that they just wait till after the holiday, figuring that's about when they would have gotten back to candidates normally. Although come to think of it, last year, Thanksgiving was sort of D-day--it was right after Thanksgiving that I got interview requests--like the Saturday after. So I don't know what to make of that--except to remark, again, that Thanksgiving being a week earlier might have totally messed things up.
So what does this mean? Is this year just a slow year? Or is this year a bad year, in that I shouldn't expect many requests or many (or even any) interviews? My point is this: You JUST DON'T KNOW. And you will NEVER know for certain. And this state of affairs tends to cause the OCD-minded like me to go a little nuts--and to search for things to fill the information/certainty void.
Like, for instance:
1) My gold standard: watching obsessive amounts of tv.
2) Obsessive cleaning and plans to organize my apartment.
3) Baking--in this instance--an apple-pear pie, which is quite tasty, though it wasn't everything I had hoped it would be. I made it a tad too sweet. Less sugar next time, and maybe a tad more lemon juice. But I haven't made pie in a while...I'm a mite out of practice.
4) Worrying about the stomachaches I've been having for the past week and a half or two-prompting me to call my appendectomy surgeon to ask whether i should be worried, and accompanied subsequently by a trip to his office, a handful of Nexium, and a follow-up appointment, two weeks hence.
5) Considering having a blog entry modeled after the stylings of the illustrious "fug girls" of gofugyourself.com, after witnessing two extremely noteworthy (and entertaining) fashion disasters/indiscretions: A) Girl walking in Delaware Park wearing a coat with "tails"--not as in top-hat and tails, but that place where the coat parts into two on the back...oh you know what I mean--actually pretty nice coat, except that the "part" highlighted her...um...ass crack. I mean, it was right there. I mean, she had on jeans, of course. You couldn't see her ass crack in the flesh. But still, it was a little disconcerting. B) Guy waiting for the bus wearing extremely baggy plaid pajama pants, birkenstocks (in like 35 degree weather), and SHINY black jacket with even SHINIER gold pattern print, complete with backwards newspaper cap. As in WOW. And this vision especially struck me as one the fug girls would pounce on, and come up with a clever, multi-concept phrase to describe--something that involved ideas of being pimped-out and delivering newspapers and perhaps being or wanting to be Scottish.
6) Obsessing over how much contact I've had from schools compared to how much other people have had. A totally fruitless endeavor, especially if the other people are in a different field of specialization, and thus, applying to different jobs/schools.
7) Looking at apartments in areas located near to the schools I applied to. You know, for kicks. And just in case. It's always good to know what you might be able to afford.
8) Thinking about whether to bring any home-baked goods to Thanksgiving. This year, I actually have travel plans. Heading down to NJ for the whole family sh-bang. And I'm likely to be the central attraction, given that I've not seen the extended fam in several years, and have just recovered from accute appendicitis, and have been a source of great concern. I just hope the fam doesn't scrutinize every bite that I eat, and then insist I eat more. What can I say? They're a pretty typical Jewish family--eating is important to them.
9) Thinking about going to the mall...even though I have nothing I really need to buy. And even though, it's already been an expensive year, and will get more expensive once MLA rolls around, not to mention the holiday shopping season (which had essentially already started, hasn't it?), and the prime heating season. Ay. And even though when it comes down to it, I don't even want to go to the mall; I'm just looking for a distraction.
10) Reading Book II of Jonathan Stroud's Bartimeus (sp?) trilogy--which is just so good--and offers another option to re-reading the Harry Potter or Dark Materials series, though I must administer an excited note to self: The Golden Compass movie arrives December 7th. And while I've been a bit irked by how the trailers keep changing language/terminology--essentially dumbing it down (i.e. saying the "golden compass" as opposed to "alethiometer," because apparently words that are more than two syllables are just too scary), I am like, SO stoked to see it.
So that's what I've been up to these days. And wishin'. And hopin'. For requests. And interviews. And for the stomachaches to stop already. And generally for good karma. C'moooon, good karma. Bring it. Bring the karma, I say.
I am looking forward to Thanksgiving at any rate. Turkey, and yams and pies, oh my. And leftovers, bless them. And the glories of food coma. I probably won't post till after the holiday, and so I bid you all (what are there, maybe two of you out there?) a very Happy Turkey Day.
Friday, November 16, 2007
Friday, November 2, 2007
Karma
So, did anyone see that episode of Grey's Anatomy on karma? You know, the one from season 2 after Meredith sleeps with George and there's all kinds of bad karma, and George talks about how karma is just there to even the score?
Anyway, I mentioned karma in my last post--and it seems to me that my Free Will Astrology horoscope speaks to some similar vibe:
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Moths, hummingbirds, and bats love to drink the nectar that flowers offer. In return, these pollinators are expected to get some pollen stuck on their bodies and carry it away to fertilize other plants. While the nectar is tasty, it’s usually not pure sweetness. If it were, the first pollinator to come along would suck it all dry, leaving nothing for further visitors. And that wouldn’t be good from the plant’s point of view, because it would limit the number of places where its pollen would be disseminated. To keep nectar-drinking sessions short, therefore, most plants include just a touch of bitterness in the blend. Regard this entire scenario as a useful metaphor for you to keep in mind during the coming weeks, Taurus.
I just wanted to say that if this proves to be the case, I think I can live with it. I say: May I reap life's seeds and pollinate widely. A touch of bitterness I can handle.
Anyway, I mentioned karma in my last post--and it seems to me that my Free Will Astrology horoscope speaks to some similar vibe:
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Moths, hummingbirds, and bats love to drink the nectar that flowers offer. In return, these pollinators are expected to get some pollen stuck on their bodies and carry it away to fertilize other plants. While the nectar is tasty, it’s usually not pure sweetness. If it were, the first pollinator to come along would suck it all dry, leaving nothing for further visitors. And that wouldn’t be good from the plant’s point of view, because it would limit the number of places where its pollen would be disseminated. To keep nectar-drinking sessions short, therefore, most plants include just a touch of bitterness in the blend. Regard this entire scenario as a useful metaphor for you to keep in mind during the coming weeks, Taurus.
I just wanted to say that if this proves to be the case, I think I can live with it. I say: May I reap life's seeds and pollinate widely. A touch of bitterness I can handle.
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Trials and Tribulations
Well...
This blog has been a long time coming, and honestly, there's so much back-wash that I don't know quite where to start. So we'll break it down into 2 main things. 1. Appendicitis. 2. The Academic Job Market.
In mid-September, I found myself with a rather persistent stomach-ache--it went on for 6 days, and of course, being the absent-minded, normally healthy, "it'll go away eventually" sort of person that I am, I basically ignored it. I mean, sure, it was accompanied with some unpleasant other gastrointestinal/digestive problems, and eventually a fever, but I responded with my solution to everything--take some ibuprofen and then see. And sure, both symptoms, and especially the persistence of the stomach-ache and then the combination of the stomach-ache with the fever should have prompted more action on my part, and in all fairness, when the fever happened I planned to go to a doctor as soon as the university's health center was open (Monday after the weekend. Note: The university MIGHT want to consider having the health center open on weekends for at least limited hours--for those of us who do not have a PCP because the university has a health center), but apparently, my body had had enough, and my appendix decided to abruptly errupt, or abscess, or whatever.
At any rate, it hurt like ba-jeezus--and I was forced to call 911 (little knowing, I might add, just how costly ambulance services are, even with insurance) and found out that indeed, I had acute appendictis, with an abscess that was leaking all kinds of pus and other bacterial nastiness into the furthest reaches of my abdomen. Ewwww.
Fortunately I was put under the care of a very skilled, nice, and generally awesome surgeon, and 3 very able and friendly residents, one of whom, I might add, was quite attractive (sigh). And I felt great confidence in all of them, though this sense might have been inflected by my conviction that really, appendicitis was quite common and not that big a deal. Apparently, it depends on the nature of the appendicitis, however, and as I discovered, I had a particularly heinous, nasty kind. Big infection, obviously, which led to inflamed organs, and a reaction to a drug called Toreodol (sp?) did not help matters, since it apparently was something my kidneys did not like much. Suffice it to say, I was in the hospital for about 2 1/2 weeks, though much of it was dulled by some fairly hard-core drugs. I didn't really understand how sick I was until all the major danger was over, although honestly, I think my dad is still processing the whole ordeal far more than I am. I can say with utter conviction, though, that the ICU is an unpleasant place to be, and that hospital food does indeed suck, especially when your digestive system is already up in arms.
The other problem with all this happening, besides being confined to a hospital bed and IV, was that the job market season began while I was essentially out of commission. So while I was initially primed and ready and raring to go and get my big, exciting, real, honest-to-god academic job, and get my applications out in record time, that didn't happen. Instead, life stopped for those 2 1/2 weeks and then I went to NH to stay with my parents for 10 days and proceeded to freak out about getting applications in by deadlines. Thanks largely to my dad's running around photocopying things and mailing things and generally just getting me what I needed, I'm essentially caught up now (still with another small round or 2 of apps to send off, but in pretty decent shape) , and yet, still worried that I'm at a disadvantage for not getting them in before the other 200 applicants. Seriously, the academic job market is the ultimate mind-fuck. I've discussed it at length with several other job-marketers and they all agree. The job-market gives you temporary OCD and often insomnia, and generally just makes you cranky and or high-strung. Ah well.
But now, I am caught between two very interesting, somewhat contradictory, and perspective-altering epiphanies:
1) I still want to be an academic enough to go on the job market again--despite my grousing of a couple of months ago, and while I'm not nearly as starry-eyed about what might be and where I could end up as I was last year--it's still cool to fantasize a bit. Where could I live? What new city could I explore? What classes could I teach? Who could I meet? Who could I become friends with? What sort of apartment might I find? And more broadly, how much might my life change from what it is now?
2) Dude, I just had the closest to a near-death experience that I've ever had, or perhaps I have simply been blindsided by life for the first time, really and truly. And really, I just feel so good to be in the present and returning to normal, i.e. being able to walk, climb stairs, and on the way to doing all the things I normally like to do, and as my dad keeps reminding me, looking back to where I was a month ago--or even 2 weeks ago--really does offer a larger perspective as to what is "really" important. A trite and cheesy realization, but meaningful nevertheless. And the main point is, life can obviously change drastically regardless of whether I get an academic job or not. And the goal is now to make it change in a positive way--whether by way of an academic job or not.
So while academia continues to make its demands, and I have various things to accomplish in the next couple of months that are geared towards that elusive academic job/future, I hope to intermix other things that are more quality-of-life oriented. So here are some things I need/hope to do in the coming months, academic & non-academic.
1. LIGHTLY revise and submit dissertation to the grad school, and file for my degree.
2. Continue to take daily walks, especially working up to the park when my stamina is up to it. Re-commence dancing wildly around my apartment, or as wildly as I am able. It burns calories AND is super-fun.
3. Bake/cook once a week. (Or maybe once every other week--that seems more feasible).
4. Revise essay adapted from dissertation chapter to re-submit for publication and do a really good job so this time it actually gets accepted somewhere.
5. Read more. Both for professional growth and personal satisfaction (i.e. "work" books and "play" books alike.)
6. Try to socialize more. This is admittedly a dubious prospect--since I have a very small social network these days, and the people I socialize with are as busy as I am. But still, TRY to socialize more. Invite people to do things.
7. Try to successfully knit either the pseudo-lacy scarf I started ages ago and keep fucking up, or finish the sweater I started like 2 years ago and also fucked up at least a couple of times, and which may still be fucked up, if I'm being entirely honest. But generally, just finish some knitting project. Even if it's only at 20 minutes at a time. (I confess I'm a bit dubious about this one too.)
8. Throw another mock-Oscar (or mock the Oscars) party, and plan it early enough so that one or two people can actually come.
9. Maintain a reasonable state of neatness in my apartment. (Again, highly dubious until the job market is over and my dissertation is filed, but a worthy goal.)
10. Worry less about money (even as it flies out of my checking account to cover job-market and health-related expenses).
11. Do a bang-up job of planning my composition course for next semester; do so in part by not waiting till the last minute.
12. Think about future academic articles to write/write abstracts for those future articles, submit an abstract to a conference. I should also note that I had planned to apply to NEMLA this year, because it's in Bflo and would therefore have been an easy line on my cv with no personal cost to myself, but the deadline was the day after I went to the hospital, and well, I obviously missed it. Damn.
13. Revise ch. 3 of dissertation as a job talk, in the event that I have a chance to give a job talk(fingers-crossed; may the academic gods be kind.)
14. Purge apartment of miscellaneous stuff that I haven't used in more than 2 years.
15. Be more patient. With people, myself, and life in general. (Riiight. Sure. Whatever.)
I'm sure more hypothetical goals will crop up, but I think that's plenty for now. Other than that, let's hope that the bad karma of the last month, as well as the bad karma I anticipate in the next few months (namely, job-market stress), balances itself out with good karma later. And Readers (if there are any), please send me good and happy vibes.
Until next time.
This blog has been a long time coming, and honestly, there's so much back-wash that I don't know quite where to start. So we'll break it down into 2 main things. 1. Appendicitis. 2. The Academic Job Market.
In mid-September, I found myself with a rather persistent stomach-ache--it went on for 6 days, and of course, being the absent-minded, normally healthy, "it'll go away eventually" sort of person that I am, I basically ignored it. I mean, sure, it was accompanied with some unpleasant other gastrointestinal/digestive problems, and eventually a fever, but I responded with my solution to everything--take some ibuprofen and then see. And sure, both symptoms, and especially the persistence of the stomach-ache and then the combination of the stomach-ache with the fever should have prompted more action on my part, and in all fairness, when the fever happened I planned to go to a doctor as soon as the university's health center was open (Monday after the weekend. Note: The university MIGHT want to consider having the health center open on weekends for at least limited hours--for those of us who do not have a PCP because the university has a health center), but apparently, my body had had enough, and my appendix decided to abruptly errupt, or abscess, or whatever.
At any rate, it hurt like ba-jeezus--and I was forced to call 911 (little knowing, I might add, just how costly ambulance services are, even with insurance) and found out that indeed, I had acute appendictis, with an abscess that was leaking all kinds of pus and other bacterial nastiness into the furthest reaches of my abdomen. Ewwww.
Fortunately I was put under the care of a very skilled, nice, and generally awesome surgeon, and 3 very able and friendly residents, one of whom, I might add, was quite attractive (sigh). And I felt great confidence in all of them, though this sense might have been inflected by my conviction that really, appendicitis was quite common and not that big a deal. Apparently, it depends on the nature of the appendicitis, however, and as I discovered, I had a particularly heinous, nasty kind. Big infection, obviously, which led to inflamed organs, and a reaction to a drug called Toreodol (sp?) did not help matters, since it apparently was something my kidneys did not like much. Suffice it to say, I was in the hospital for about 2 1/2 weeks, though much of it was dulled by some fairly hard-core drugs. I didn't really understand how sick I was until all the major danger was over, although honestly, I think my dad is still processing the whole ordeal far more than I am. I can say with utter conviction, though, that the ICU is an unpleasant place to be, and that hospital food does indeed suck, especially when your digestive system is already up in arms.
The other problem with all this happening, besides being confined to a hospital bed and IV, was that the job market season began while I was essentially out of commission. So while I was initially primed and ready and raring to go and get my big, exciting, real, honest-to-god academic job, and get my applications out in record time, that didn't happen. Instead, life stopped for those 2 1/2 weeks and then I went to NH to stay with my parents for 10 days and proceeded to freak out about getting applications in by deadlines. Thanks largely to my dad's running around photocopying things and mailing things and generally just getting me what I needed, I'm essentially caught up now (still with another small round or 2 of apps to send off, but in pretty decent shape) , and yet, still worried that I'm at a disadvantage for not getting them in before the other 200 applicants. Seriously, the academic job market is the ultimate mind-fuck. I've discussed it at length with several other job-marketers and they all agree. The job-market gives you temporary OCD and often insomnia, and generally just makes you cranky and or high-strung. Ah well.
But now, I am caught between two very interesting, somewhat contradictory, and perspective-altering epiphanies:
1) I still want to be an academic enough to go on the job market again--despite my grousing of a couple of months ago, and while I'm not nearly as starry-eyed about what might be and where I could end up as I was last year--it's still cool to fantasize a bit. Where could I live? What new city could I explore? What classes could I teach? Who could I meet? Who could I become friends with? What sort of apartment might I find? And more broadly, how much might my life change from what it is now?
2) Dude, I just had the closest to a near-death experience that I've ever had, or perhaps I have simply been blindsided by life for the first time, really and truly. And really, I just feel so good to be in the present and returning to normal, i.e. being able to walk, climb stairs, and on the way to doing all the things I normally like to do, and as my dad keeps reminding me, looking back to where I was a month ago--or even 2 weeks ago--really does offer a larger perspective as to what is "really" important. A trite and cheesy realization, but meaningful nevertheless. And the main point is, life can obviously change drastically regardless of whether I get an academic job or not. And the goal is now to make it change in a positive way--whether by way of an academic job or not.
So while academia continues to make its demands, and I have various things to accomplish in the next couple of months that are geared towards that elusive academic job/future, I hope to intermix other things that are more quality-of-life oriented. So here are some things I need/hope to do in the coming months, academic & non-academic.
1. LIGHTLY revise and submit dissertation to the grad school, and file for my degree.
2. Continue to take daily walks, especially working up to the park when my stamina is up to it. Re-commence dancing wildly around my apartment, or as wildly as I am able. It burns calories AND is super-fun.
3. Bake/cook once a week. (Or maybe once every other week--that seems more feasible).
4. Revise essay adapted from dissertation chapter to re-submit for publication and do a really good job so this time it actually gets accepted somewhere.
5. Read more. Both for professional growth and personal satisfaction (i.e. "work" books and "play" books alike.)
6. Try to socialize more. This is admittedly a dubious prospect--since I have a very small social network these days, and the people I socialize with are as busy as I am. But still, TRY to socialize more. Invite people to do things.
7. Try to successfully knit either the pseudo-lacy scarf I started ages ago and keep fucking up, or finish the sweater I started like 2 years ago and also fucked up at least a couple of times, and which may still be fucked up, if I'm being entirely honest. But generally, just finish some knitting project. Even if it's only at 20 minutes at a time. (I confess I'm a bit dubious about this one too.)
8. Throw another mock-Oscar (or mock the Oscars) party, and plan it early enough so that one or two people can actually come.
9. Maintain a reasonable state of neatness in my apartment. (Again, highly dubious until the job market is over and my dissertation is filed, but a worthy goal.)
10. Worry less about money (even as it flies out of my checking account to cover job-market and health-related expenses).
11. Do a bang-up job of planning my composition course for next semester; do so in part by not waiting till the last minute.
12. Think about future academic articles to write/write abstracts for those future articles, submit an abstract to a conference. I should also note that I had planned to apply to NEMLA this year, because it's in Bflo and would therefore have been an easy line on my cv with no personal cost to myself, but the deadline was the day after I went to the hospital, and well, I obviously missed it. Damn.
13. Revise ch. 3 of dissertation as a job talk, in the event that I have a chance to give a job talk(fingers-crossed; may the academic gods be kind.)
14. Purge apartment of miscellaneous stuff that I haven't used in more than 2 years.
15. Be more patient. With people, myself, and life in general. (Riiight. Sure. Whatever.)
I'm sure more hypothetical goals will crop up, but I think that's plenty for now. Other than that, let's hope that the bad karma of the last month, as well as the bad karma I anticipate in the next few months (namely, job-market stress), balances itself out with good karma later. And Readers (if there are any), please send me good and happy vibes.
Until next time.
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