In my last post, I contemplated what this job offer might mean, and especially, what it will mean to essentially stay where I am geographically, at least for a while.
Honestly, the anxiety about "what it all means" has not subsided. At all. I haven't even started my new job yet, and won't for several months, and already I'm thinking about how it's a job I'm probably going to want to leave. Not because it's a bad job (although I don't know that yet either), but because I ultimately do want to move on geographically, hopefully, to a city closer to friends and family. But what does that ultimate goal do to my staying here in the meantime? Does it mean that I view the meantime as temporary as well, and therefore, not worth investing in--i.e. financially, socially, etc? And then, what if I don't manage to get that "next" academic job? Does that mean that I'm effectively "stuck" where I am, or that I consider throwing off academia again? And will that period in academia negate my non-academic work experience, and therefore my chances of getting a non-academic job, if that is what I end up seeking out? I would like the answer to be "no." Still, this too presents a question of "investment." Like my fellow graduate students, I have spent a significant number of years in earning my degree, and moving towards gaining an academic career, as well as untold hours of work, stress, and anxiety in gaining a direct entrance to that career--i.e. my new job. As far as most people in academia are concerned, my investment has paid off. And yet, I am just as anxious, if not more anxious, than I was before. I am concerned about the real, long-term consequences of my investment, and whether I will stay invested.
By the same token, will my investment even pay off in the short-term? Will I like my job (enough)? Will I make friends of my colleagues, and perhaps (hopefully), of faculty outside my home department? Will I find an apartment that makes me feel good about where I live, and therefore, incites me to invite people over and, ideally, make more friends? Will I publish, and will I publish enough to either get tenure, or else, a better job in the future? Should I be worried about the fact that I haven't really done much scholarship (either in the form of submitting a paper for publication or conference) in the past few months (due to being on the job market, doing my job that currently pays, and adjuncting a class)? Should I take seriously the urgings of friends, family, and mentors to go out and celebrate my new job even as I feel the need to hunker down and scholasticize?
My conclusion?
I think it's that the mind-fuck never really ends, unless you lose the desire or capacity to contemplate your options, needs, wants, preferences, aspirations, or possibilities. Or perhaps it's simply that I think way too damn much, as friends continue to remind me. Don't think it; do it, damn it.
On the plus side, my friend Kate and I are going out to a nice dinner this evening. With martinis.
Yay martinis!
Friday, March 14, 2008
Wednesday, March 5, 2008
The Market Giveth...
And the Market Taketh Away...
Or to put a more positive if more cliched spin on things: when one door closes, another opens, or else it's a window or a chute to the laundry or something...
I got a job offer. Seriously. With a real, live salary, and benefits and other stuff...though I haven't been given the specifics yet, and well, I kind of really need those specifics before I yes or no. I'm also waiting to hear from one other school.
However, the job offer involves me staying in the same city, rather than fulfilling my dream of returning to hypothetical big East Coast City--namely, Boston or New York--not that that was exactly what I thought would happen, but I must admit, I did envision myself, well, leaving--moving on geographically as well as professionally, and leaving behind the stomping grounds of my graduate student years....and then of course, there's my friend Phil, who lives in NYC, and has been begging me for years to move to NYC so we could see each other more often than we do, and urging me to ditch the "barren wasteland," (though he was speaking as much about my social life as about my geographic locale, relative to Manhattan, and let's face it, to Manhattanites, practically everwhere else is a "barren wasteland"), and who will be very upset if I do accept, though I'm quite sure he'll come to terms with it eventually.
Of course, if I accept this offer, I would be able to leave behind some things; namely, my current apartment and somewhat annoying neighbors, all remaining traces of financial dependence upon my parents, guilt about unecessary expenditures (not that I'm especially prodigal), and a host of other worries that have to do with being a graduate student and therefore being at all times economically strained.
On the other hand, it would mean trying to reestablish a social network--hopefully a largely new network that would continue to grow--and perhaps reforging social ties that have been more or less lost over the past few years, or at least, weakened by graduate student turnover, and again, the expectation that I would, someday at last, leave and start completely afresh in every way, though there will still be some of that I think. And in fact, in possibly staying, there are many things that I'll be glad to keep. It's just such a strange and unexpected turn of events.
On the other hand, staying would mean maintaining a much more affordable cost of living than would heading "back East." I could live in a much nicer apartment, in a nice area, and not spend more than half of my paycheck. I would therefore have more disposable income to at least visit cities like NY and Boston, and wouldn't have to rationalize it as much.
I could finally buy my cats the kitty jungle gym I've been wanting for them for ages but could not justify.
Ultimately, I'm still processing the offer. And I need to find out the particulars to process more fully. But dude--I'm going to be gainfully employed--wherever--for the first time in 7-8 years...
Holy crap.
It's stunning. It's mind-boggling. It's a tremendous relief, and yet, a source of tremendous anxiety. Because now academia is finally, well, a "real" possibility.
Which is so screwed up, considering I've been working the past 7-8 years to make it real, and presumably, what I've been doing all along is real, but real in terms of gaining a degree, not necessarily a career. Which is kind of a weird and foolish enterprise in today's society.
More details to come, especially since I need to consult my Free Will Astrology horoscope this week, and it won't be out till tomorrow.
In the meantime, I guess I should really thank and praise the academic gods...so thanks a helluva lot ladies and gents...I really appreciate all you did, if you did anything. I would also like to thank all my friends and family. And my advisors. And all the cupcakes that sustained me and will continue to offer solace in the years ahead.... Yes, let us bless all the cupcakes. Especially the ones with pink icing and sprinkles that spread joy to my peeps far and wide...you know who you are...
Apologies. I have cupcakes on the brain because a) I'm thinking about making some to cheer up a co-worker and friend who just had surgery, and b) I ate a sublime one earlier today from a selection that someone brought to the office--chocolate cake w/chocolate icing from the always delicious Dessert Deli: http://www.dessertdelibakery.com/
And I'm not religious or spiritual at all, but picture me hallowing out a mental (or actual) Hallelujah, Amen, Namaste, the Eternal Yes, the cosmic "Yope," or what have you.
Addendum: I would just add that the job offer came from the school I felt least optimistic about initially, the one that I thought I didn't have much of a shot at to begin with. See my previous post for details. All I can say is: The job market sure is weird.
Or to put a more positive if more cliched spin on things: when one door closes, another opens, or else it's a window or a chute to the laundry or something...
I got a job offer. Seriously. With a real, live salary, and benefits and other stuff...though I haven't been given the specifics yet, and well, I kind of really need those specifics before I yes or no. I'm also waiting to hear from one other school.
However, the job offer involves me staying in the same city, rather than fulfilling my dream of returning to hypothetical big East Coast City--namely, Boston or New York--not that that was exactly what I thought would happen, but I must admit, I did envision myself, well, leaving--moving on geographically as well as professionally, and leaving behind the stomping grounds of my graduate student years....and then of course, there's my friend Phil, who lives in NYC, and has been begging me for years to move to NYC so we could see each other more often than we do, and urging me to ditch the "barren wasteland," (though he was speaking as much about my social life as about my geographic locale, relative to Manhattan, and let's face it, to Manhattanites, practically everwhere else is a "barren wasteland"), and who will be very upset if I do accept, though I'm quite sure he'll come to terms with it eventually.
Of course, if I accept this offer, I would be able to leave behind some things; namely, my current apartment and somewhat annoying neighbors, all remaining traces of financial dependence upon my parents, guilt about unecessary expenditures (not that I'm especially prodigal), and a host of other worries that have to do with being a graduate student and therefore being at all times economically strained.
On the other hand, it would mean trying to reestablish a social network--hopefully a largely new network that would continue to grow--and perhaps reforging social ties that have been more or less lost over the past few years, or at least, weakened by graduate student turnover, and again, the expectation that I would, someday at last, leave and start completely afresh in every way, though there will still be some of that I think. And in fact, in possibly staying, there are many things that I'll be glad to keep. It's just such a strange and unexpected turn of events.
On the other hand, staying would mean maintaining a much more affordable cost of living than would heading "back East." I could live in a much nicer apartment, in a nice area, and not spend more than half of my paycheck. I would therefore have more disposable income to at least visit cities like NY and Boston, and wouldn't have to rationalize it as much.
I could finally buy my cats the kitty jungle gym I've been wanting for them for ages but could not justify.
Ultimately, I'm still processing the offer. And I need to find out the particulars to process more fully. But dude--I'm going to be gainfully employed--wherever--for the first time in 7-8 years...
Holy crap.
It's stunning. It's mind-boggling. It's a tremendous relief, and yet, a source of tremendous anxiety. Because now academia is finally, well, a "real" possibility.
Which is so screwed up, considering I've been working the past 7-8 years to make it real, and presumably, what I've been doing all along is real, but real in terms of gaining a degree, not necessarily a career. Which is kind of a weird and foolish enterprise in today's society.
More details to come, especially since I need to consult my Free Will Astrology horoscope this week, and it won't be out till tomorrow.
In the meantime, I guess I should really thank and praise the academic gods...so thanks a helluva lot ladies and gents...I really appreciate all you did, if you did anything. I would also like to thank all my friends and family. And my advisors. And all the cupcakes that sustained me and will continue to offer solace in the years ahead.... Yes, let us bless all the cupcakes. Especially the ones with pink icing and sprinkles that spread joy to my peeps far and wide...you know who you are...
Apologies. I have cupcakes on the brain because a) I'm thinking about making some to cheer up a co-worker and friend who just had surgery, and b) I ate a sublime one earlier today from a selection that someone brought to the office--chocolate cake w/chocolate icing from the always delicious Dessert Deli: http://www.dessertdelibakery.com/
And I'm not religious or spiritual at all, but picture me hallowing out a mental (or actual) Hallelujah, Amen, Namaste, the Eternal Yes, the cosmic "Yope," or what have you.
Addendum: I would just add that the job offer came from the school I felt least optimistic about initially, the one that I thought I didn't have much of a shot at to begin with. See my previous post for details. All I can say is: The job market sure is weird.
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