Trials and Tribulations

Well...

This blog has been a long time coming, and honestly, there's so much back-wash that I don't know quite where to start. So we'll break it down into 2 main things. 1. Appendicitis. 2. The Academic Job Market.

In mid-September, I found myself with a rather persistent stomach-ache--it went on for 6 days, and of course, being the absent-minded, normally healthy, "it'll go away eventually" sort of person that I am, I basically ignored it. I mean, sure, it was accompanied with some unpleasant other gastrointestinal/digestive problems, and eventually a fever, but I responded with my solution to everything--take some ibuprofen and then see. And sure, both symptoms, and especially the persistence of the stomach-ache and then the combination of the stomach-ache with the fever should have prompted more action on my part, and in all fairness, when the fever happened I planned to go to a doctor as soon as the university's health center was open (Monday after the weekend. Note: The university MIGHT want to consider having the health center open on weekends for at least limited hours--for those of us who do not have a PCP because the university has a health center), but apparently, my body had had enough, and my appendix decided to abruptly errupt, or abscess, or whatever.

At any rate, it hurt like ba-jeezus--and I was forced to call 911 (little knowing, I might add, just how costly ambulance services are, even with insurance) and found out that indeed, I had acute appendictis, with an abscess that was leaking all kinds of pus and other bacterial nastiness into the furthest reaches of my abdomen. Ewwww.

Fortunately I was put under the care of a very skilled, nice, and generally awesome surgeon, and 3 very able and friendly residents, one of whom, I might add, was quite attractive (sigh). And I felt great confidence in all of them, though this sense might have been inflected by my conviction that really, appendicitis was quite common and not that big a deal. Apparently, it depends on the nature of the appendicitis, however, and as I discovered, I had a particularly heinous, nasty kind. Big infection, obviously, which led to inflamed organs, and a reaction to a drug called Toreodol (sp?) did not help matters, since it apparently was something my kidneys did not like much. Suffice it to say, I was in the hospital for about 2 1/2 weeks, though much of it was dulled by some fairly hard-core drugs. I didn't really understand how sick I was until all the major danger was over, although honestly, I think my dad is still processing the whole ordeal far more than I am. I can say with utter conviction, though, that the ICU is an unpleasant place to be, and that hospital food does indeed suck, especially when your digestive system is already up in arms.

The other problem with all this happening, besides being confined to a hospital bed and IV, was that the job market season began while I was essentially out of commission. So while I was initially primed and ready and raring to go and get my big, exciting, real, honest-to-god academic job, and get my applications out in record time, that didn't happen. Instead, life stopped for those 2 1/2 weeks and then I went to NH to stay with my parents for 10 days and proceeded to freak out about getting applications in by deadlines. Thanks largely to my dad's running around photocopying things and mailing things and generally just getting me what I needed, I'm essentially caught up now (still with another small round or 2 of apps to send off, but in pretty decent shape) , and yet, still worried that I'm at a disadvantage for not getting them in before the other 200 applicants. Seriously, the academic job market is the ultimate mind-fuck. I've discussed it at length with several other job-marketers and they all agree. The job-market gives you temporary OCD and often insomnia, and generally just makes you cranky and or high-strung. Ah well.

But now, I am caught between two very interesting, somewhat contradictory, and perspective-altering epiphanies:

1) I still want to be an academic enough to go on the job market again--despite my grousing of a couple of months ago, and while I'm not nearly as starry-eyed about what might be and where I could end up as I was last year--it's still cool to fantasize a bit. Where could I live? What new city could I explore? What classes could I teach? Who could I meet? Who could I become friends with? What sort of apartment might I find? And more broadly, how much might my life change from what it is now?

2) Dude, I just had the closest to a near-death experience that I've ever had, or perhaps I have simply been blindsided by life for the first time, really and truly. And really, I just feel so good to be in the present and returning to normal, i.e. being able to walk, climb stairs, and on the way to doing all the things I normally like to do, and as my dad keeps reminding me, looking back to where I was a month ago--or even 2 weeks ago--really does offer a larger perspective as to what is "really" important. A trite and cheesy realization, but meaningful nevertheless. And the main point is, life can obviously change drastically regardless of whether I get an academic job or not. And the goal is now to make it change in a positive way--whether by way of an academic job or not.

So while academia continues to make its demands, and I have various things to accomplish in the next couple of months that are geared towards that elusive academic job/future, I hope to intermix other things that are more quality-of-life oriented. So here are some things I need/hope to do in the coming months, academic & non-academic.

1. LIGHTLY revise and submit dissertation to the grad school, and file for my degree.

2. Continue to take daily walks, especially working up to the park when my stamina is up to it. Re-commence dancing wildly around my apartment, or as wildly as I am able. It burns calories AND is super-fun.

3. Bake/cook once a week. (Or maybe once every other week--that seems more feasible).

4. Revise essay adapted from dissertation chapter to re-submit for publication and do a really good job so this time it actually gets accepted somewhere.

5. Read more. Both for professional growth and personal satisfaction (i.e. "work" books and "play" books alike.)

6. Try to socialize more. This is admittedly a dubious prospect--since I have a very small social network these days, and the people I socialize with are as busy as I am. But still, TRY to socialize more. Invite people to do things.

7. Try to successfully knit either the pseudo-lacy scarf I started ages ago and keep fucking up, or finish the sweater I started like 2 years ago and also fucked up at least a couple of times, and which may still be fucked up, if I'm being entirely honest. But generally, just finish some knitting project. Even if it's only at 20 minutes at a time. (I confess I'm a bit dubious about this one too.)

8. Throw another mock-Oscar (or mock the Oscars) party, and plan it early enough so that one or two people can actually come.

9. Maintain a reasonable state of neatness in my apartment. (Again, highly dubious until the job market is over and my dissertation is filed, but a worthy goal.)

10. Worry less about money (even as it flies out of my checking account to cover job-market and health-related expenses).

11. Do a bang-up job of planning my composition course for next semester; do so in part by not waiting till the last minute.

12. Think about future academic articles to write/write abstracts for those future articles, submit an abstract to a conference. I should also note that I had planned to apply to NEMLA this year, because it's in Bflo and would therefore have been an easy line on my cv with no personal cost to myself, but the deadline was the day after I went to the hospital, and well, I obviously missed it. Damn.

13. Revise ch. 3 of dissertation as a job talk, in the event that I have a chance to give a job talk(fingers-crossed; may the academic gods be kind.)

14. Purge apartment of miscellaneous stuff that I haven't used in more than 2 years.

15. Be more patient. With people, myself, and life in general. (Riiight. Sure. Whatever.)

I'm sure more hypothetical goals will crop up, but I think that's plenty for now. Other than that, let's hope that the bad karma of the last month, as well as the bad karma I anticipate in the next few months (namely, job-market stress), balances itself out with good karma later. And Readers (if there are any), please send me good and happy vibes.

Until next time.